i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
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