i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
