I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
