YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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