AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
