I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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