at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
Randomize
