There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Randomize
