I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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