I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
