Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
