While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
