I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
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