Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
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