remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Randomize
