my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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