shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
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