i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
By the way the awkward moment from yesterday is now a bad situation I have to figure out.
Thank you Grey Goose.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
i wish my penis had a tongue
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Randomize
