I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
