last night i found where hot topic managers go to die after they get fired.
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
