WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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