I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
we're so committed to being not committed
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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