Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
My Sexting was not on an AP level
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Randomize
