So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Randomize
