my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
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