Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
