Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
