the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
There are leaves in my underwear?
Randomize
