I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
Randomize
