he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
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