Swine flu. Run for my life!
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
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