I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
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