i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
Exactly.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
