im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
I don't deserve a penis
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
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