I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize
