youre lurking in front of me
I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
