matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
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