Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
