In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
Randomize
