guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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