I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
Randomize
