fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Randomize
