bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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