Fine. I'll sleep in my office
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Randomize
