New drinking game: drink every time the guy whose room we are in is creepy
enjoy the hospital
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
I can feel your judgement through the phone
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
Randomize
