I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
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