who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
Randomize
