i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
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