I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
