Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
would you ever date a girl who drove an 89 Chrysler LeBaron? - for the record it's a convertable
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Randomize
