At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
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