Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
