Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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