Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
be right there i have to get my cape
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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