Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
id be glad to
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
