We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Randomize
