i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
Quick, to the slutcave!
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
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