I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
When are your genitals available?
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
not ubering you a puppy
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
