and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Randomize
