no, he came in my armpit
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize