Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Randomize
