You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
Randomize
