There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Randomize