highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
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