Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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