So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
