Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
So how Liz Lemon is this? I bring a boy home, we get in bed, and I realize there's a lean pocket wrapper in the sheets.
I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Randomize
