Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
Randomize
